One Thing Still Missing

When I first went home to Georgia following my medical debacle during my church service assignment, I was not in good shape. Besides the obvious mental disaster occurring, I was not eating and I was just not in the mood to ever do anything. The biggest and scariest part was I had absolutely no desire to play the piano/organ/musical instruments...It was very saddening, both to myself as an avid musician and to my parents who knew how much joy it used to give me. I think it was at least a month and a half after switching to new medications before I even sat down at the bench and played one little piece. During the three or four months between my return home and that day, I could hardly stand being in the same room as that piano, and it was sad. Fortunately, with time, I got back into the swing of things and picked up where I had left off. Much happiness was had (and there was much rejoicing).
Unfortunately, that was not to last. This past semester, in which I again found myself in ruins, I noticed that one thing that resulted was my lack of desire and interest in performing music. That hurt. I hated going into the practice rooms cuz it made me sick at my stomach, and I hated my lessons even more because I had to play in order to get a grade. That was even worse.
I know authors/composers get writer's block, and I'm sure artists have similar woes, but what do you call it when a performer can't perform? Musician's block? Whatever it is, it sucks. Music performance is nothing without the "heart" and "soul" of a performer. I put those in quotations since I lack such things anyway...Either way, emotions and passion make music what it is, and I have noticed that I have felt no such passion for about 6 months now. I recently changed medications again (see last post), and now I am hoping that, given time, I will rekindle that desire to perform. I love the organ; it is the King of Instruments. I love to play, but I am just out-of-touch right now...It is the one thing still missing from my recent depression episode that I want back. I am hoping that, after my vacation in Georgia over the next couple of weeks, I will be able to start again. I have plans for the future, and I won't let illness stop me now! Music performance is joyous because of the love that the performer/s have for it. I want it back, and I will have it. So help me.

Change Can Be Good

So, I have been incredibly ill this semester. I have been unable to get myself out of bed with any sort of regularity since December, and that caused a lot of problems with my academia. I was aching all the time, and no matter how much sleep I got, I felt that I needed more. Needless to say, it was not a good place to be. I have been trying to get in to see a doctor at the BYU Health Center for the past month-ish, but I kept missing or rescheduling the appointments (because I couldn't get up...). Well, Friday it all changed. I got up, went to the doctor, and got stuff figured out. For one thing, she took away my Paxil (anti-depressant #2) because it is a sedating medication and replaced it with Wellbutrin (NEW anti-depressant #2) because it is a stimulator. Secondly, she upped the dosage of my Lexapro (anti-depressant #1) from 20mg to 30mg. Thirdly, she had the lab people take blood and (sorry...) urine samples to test for other possibilities as to my aches, pains, and sleepiness. Anyway, here we are on a nice Sunday night/Monday morning, and I am pleased to say that I am already feeling a LOT better. Since Friday, I have gotten up BEFORE noon every day, and I am not extremely tired the whole day. I was with friends at lunchtime and was telling them that I actually felt awake. While it is too early to say for sure that I am "all better", I do believe it is safe to say that I am "much better than I was". I am hoping that the bloodwork comes back negative for anything saddening, since now I am mostly convinced that my chronic aches were the result of untreated depression symptoms and that the fatigue was the result of those symptoms plus that DAMNED PAXIL!!! The Paxil was just the secondary medication, yet it was the one that had basically been controlling my functioning (or lack there of) for the past several months. Curses... Well, anyway, so now things are looking up. I am therefore planning to have a good summer filled with lots of good activities with friends and (for 3 weeks) family. I will actually be active and fun and stuff. Then, when Fall Semester comes around, I am gonna kick its ass, baby!