Exciting Discovery

So, I have been looking at all the graduate programs out there for me to apply to for the 2010-2011 school year. I remember being relatively dismayed that the three most popular choices in the Boston area (Boston Conservatory, Boston University, and New England Conservatory) do not offer a MM degree in Organ Performance. I admit it was saddening. So I was at work the other day and decided to look at all the music schools located in Massachusetts. When I put that search criteria in the Google bar (Massachusetts music schools), I was directed to one website that had a comprehensive list of every university/college/conservatory in the entire New England area. As I looked at schools that offered Master's degree programs, one school just happened to catch my eye, and I clicked the link to their site. Once there, I navigated to the degree programs and found that they do, in fact, offer the degree I was seeking. That was nice to find, and I noticed that it was located in Cambridge, MA. At the time, I was not even thinking clearly about where that was (it had not occured to me that was where Harvard is...). Sadly enough, I actually had to look it up on Google Maps just to see where that was...I'm horrible. Well, it all seemed nice enough, but then I got an even bigger surprise about the school in question. I decided to look at the faculty directory to see who taught organ at the school, and one of the two professors turned out to be none other than the great Peter Sykes. That may not mean anything to anyone but me, but Mr. Sykes was the man who transcribed "The Planets" by Gustav Holst for the organ. I have both the score and Sykes's own recording of his piece, and I have forever been in awe of his work. So, when I saw his name, I knew that I really had to look into this school more. Therefore, I have spent hours this week looking at this school, and I think it may just be the right school for me. In case you're still wanting to know, it is the Longy School of Music. I had not heard of it before, but upon further research, I discovered that E. Power Biggs (one of the greatest organists of the 20th century) taught there. That was even more incentive to look into it.

Now I know people wonder why I would be so interested in finding a school in or around Boston. The answer to that is: I want to be near my friends. I have a number of friends who are moving out east after graduating from BYU, and they are looking at living in or around Boston. I would love to be there with them, and now I actually have a chance to make it happen. Also, this school looks like one of the most amazing places in existence, so that will be something I would enjoy more than anything. So, there you have it. I have goals to meet. Woot! Now to just practice my stuff so I can really rock my audition.

Things

I decided to write again since it has been almost a month since I last wrote. Things have been going well in that month, though, which is always a plus. First off, I went home to Georgia for 3 weeks with my family. I enjoyed it very much, and I really had a good time with my folks. We did a lot of fun things, and it was just great. I got back Tuesday night, and I have to say that it is really weird that I am getting into a real schedule. Ever since my collapse, it has been very difficult to construct a schedule, yet Thursday morning I got up and went to work. I got there EARLY, too. That has not happened in a very long time, and never has that happened when I was supposed to be there in the morning. So, it's been very interesting that way.

Basically, all in all, I am doing very well lately. I still have not gotten back into a good practice schedule, though I did play in Church the three weeks I was home. That sorta helped me, in addition to once again salivating about graduate programs that I want to apply to. I want options, so I need to get back to work. I really think I could have a shot at all the schools I am looking at if I can just devote the proper amount of time to my work.

So, not that there is much for me to say today, but it just seemed like I should say something. I am expecting to start practicing again on Monday or Tuesday. Then all will be right with the world. Yay.

One Thing Still Missing

When I first went home to Georgia following my medical debacle during my church service assignment, I was not in good shape. Besides the obvious mental disaster occurring, I was not eating and I was just not in the mood to ever do anything. The biggest and scariest part was I had absolutely no desire to play the piano/organ/musical instruments...It was very saddening, both to myself as an avid musician and to my parents who knew how much joy it used to give me. I think it was at least a month and a half after switching to new medications before I even sat down at the bench and played one little piece. During the three or four months between my return home and that day, I could hardly stand being in the same room as that piano, and it was sad. Fortunately, with time, I got back into the swing of things and picked up where I had left off. Much happiness was had (and there was much rejoicing).
Unfortunately, that was not to last. This past semester, in which I again found myself in ruins, I noticed that one thing that resulted was my lack of desire and interest in performing music. That hurt. I hated going into the practice rooms cuz it made me sick at my stomach, and I hated my lessons even more because I had to play in order to get a grade. That was even worse.
I know authors/composers get writer's block, and I'm sure artists have similar woes, but what do you call it when a performer can't perform? Musician's block? Whatever it is, it sucks. Music performance is nothing without the "heart" and "soul" of a performer. I put those in quotations since I lack such things anyway...Either way, emotions and passion make music what it is, and I have noticed that I have felt no such passion for about 6 months now. I recently changed medications again (see last post), and now I am hoping that, given time, I will rekindle that desire to perform. I love the organ; it is the King of Instruments. I love to play, but I am just out-of-touch right now...It is the one thing still missing from my recent depression episode that I want back. I am hoping that, after my vacation in Georgia over the next couple of weeks, I will be able to start again. I have plans for the future, and I won't let illness stop me now! Music performance is joyous because of the love that the performer/s have for it. I want it back, and I will have it. So help me.

Change Can Be Good

So, I have been incredibly ill this semester. I have been unable to get myself out of bed with any sort of regularity since December, and that caused a lot of problems with my academia. I was aching all the time, and no matter how much sleep I got, I felt that I needed more. Needless to say, it was not a good place to be. I have been trying to get in to see a doctor at the BYU Health Center for the past month-ish, but I kept missing or rescheduling the appointments (because I couldn't get up...). Well, Friday it all changed. I got up, went to the doctor, and got stuff figured out. For one thing, she took away my Paxil (anti-depressant #2) because it is a sedating medication and replaced it with Wellbutrin (NEW anti-depressant #2) because it is a stimulator. Secondly, she upped the dosage of my Lexapro (anti-depressant #1) from 20mg to 30mg. Thirdly, she had the lab people take blood and (sorry...) urine samples to test for other possibilities as to my aches, pains, and sleepiness. Anyway, here we are on a nice Sunday night/Monday morning, and I am pleased to say that I am already feeling a LOT better. Since Friday, I have gotten up BEFORE noon every day, and I am not extremely tired the whole day. I was with friends at lunchtime and was telling them that I actually felt awake. While it is too early to say for sure that I am "all better", I do believe it is safe to say that I am "much better than I was". I am hoping that the bloodwork comes back negative for anything saddening, since now I am mostly convinced that my chronic aches were the result of untreated depression symptoms and that the fatigue was the result of those symptoms plus that DAMNED PAXIL!!! The Paxil was just the secondary medication, yet it was the one that had basically been controlling my functioning (or lack there of) for the past several months. Curses... Well, anyway, so now things are looking up. I am therefore planning to have a good summer filled with lots of good activities with friends and (for 3 weeks) family. I will actually be active and fun and stuff. Then, when Fall Semester comes around, I am gonna kick its ass, baby!

Too Tired

So, with the semester coming to its crushing finale, I am forced now to see the unhealthy fruits of a semester's waste of time. I have not done well this semester with any aspect of my education, and it is heart-breaking (Well...if I had one, it would be). Either way, I have lost a lot of ground this semester, and I think it mostly has to do with my lack of action concerning my health. As anyone who knows me well enough is aware, I am clinically depressed. By that, I mean I am ill, physically, and not just "oh, I had a bad day." It's really more of a "I had a bad...all-the-time". I am on medication (my "happy pills" that keep me semi-functional), but I think that there might be more to it than just the depression. This semester, it has become gradually more difficult to get out of bed in the morning, and within the past month or so, I have experienced soreness and achings that were not there before. While these may be more physical manifestations of existing problems, I am slightly concerned that I may have CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). It is a condition defined by aches and such, as well as never feeling rested. When I first returned home from my church service assignment over 2 1/2 years ago, I could not remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. I still am not sure if I have ever had one, most certainly not within the last year. It sucks because even when I get up and get my day started, I am still exhausted easily, and it is not a fun feeling to be stuck with. So, I have made a doctor's appointment (a few weeks ago that I rescheduled twice and then missed flat-out) for this coming Monday to perhaps see if there really is more to my condition than originally thought. If not, then I may consider a change in my medications to include one that deals with physical pains of depression (like Cymbalta). Basically, the next few weeks will hopefully see some changes in my well-being so that I am not so out of it. I want to have a fun summer of work/practice/friends, but it won't be nearly as fun or productive if I spend most of the day in bed completely drained. So yeah, fun times await us as we look into this. Won't that be fun...

Sometimes it's almost enough to...

So I had a lot to think about this past weekend. My mom came to visit me from home (Atlanta, GA), and it was a most lovely visit. That is an impressive distance of about (and this is just a rough estimate) 2530 km (1572 miles). Yeah, apparently I am worth that. I had been a bit down lately, through a variety of difficulties including poor health. Actually, I think that has been THE difficulty. I am always tired, I ache, and I just feel out of it in general. So, since she is the best mom in the world, she came out here and we spent almost 3 full days together doing fun things.
When I say that I had a lot to think about, it mainly came to be that my mom really wants me to go home for the summer. She said I could just rest up, not do anything, chill, etc. and then come back to school for the fall. Now, I had never really thought of that before. While I have been here pretty constantly since my return to school in August 2007, I never seem to overly loathe being here (snow excluded). So, when she told me that was what she thought was best for me, I had a lot of thinking to do. I weighed the pros and cons, and I was really troubled by just how much she wanted me to come home. So, given the options, I still decided that I would like to be here for the summer. Here being Provo. My mom noted that I had not had a real vacation in a while, mainly in that I didn't do anything fun last summer. Then I realized that there was a lot going on this summer that I would be missing if I went home. My friends that I have become close to over the past year, plus those that I have spent the year before last with, will all be here this summer. I also made plans to work 4 days per week and to take time off when I need it.
Granted, I still have plans to go home for a few weeks to see the family, as it would be sad not to, but I just can't see myself enjoying an entire summer at home. I would feel lazy, uninterested in things, and I would undo a lot of the social progression that I have made in the past year-plus.
So, while I would love to always make my mother happy, since she is the best person ever, I will have to go with what I feel is best for me and stay here for the summer. Hmmm...Now how to tell her...Sigh...

Because I'm bored...

So, it's been well over a month since I last wrote anything here, and not that anything exciting has really happened in my life since then, but whatever. So maybe I'll just write to say that I am tired, or that my back hurts. By the way, both are true today.
I will say that I have noticed that I am in a financial disaster at present. I blame myself because I just have not been very good with money since I came back to school a year and a half ago. I just haven't. So, here I am with too much credit card debt, plus being severely overdrawn in my Wachovia account...Sigh...So, what to do...Well, my mom and I talked and I think I will be taking out a student loan. Then I can have money enough to pay off the credit cards, pay the overdraft, and have MONEY! Like, real money. Money I can use to pay rent, money I can use to pay tuition stuff, and money to buy food! OK so the last part is a bit of a stretch, but you get the idea. I mean, summer is coming up, so I would start to make more money, but I need to make money that I can set aside for other things. So I can actually start to BUILD an income, not just live paycheck to paycheck. Granted I know I am severely addicted to CD-shopping, and while that will most likely not go away anytime soon, I am learning how to be more conservative and to WAIT. It's hard, but it's just what I have to do for now.
Anyway, I really have nothing else to say, but it feels nice to actually write something for the first time in a while. Ciao.