It breaks what would be my heart

Yes, I know that I am not an emotional or caring person for the most part, but I am very saddened today. I was just on facebook (not entirely out of the ordinary), and I found out that a lovely woman from my ward, who moved a few years ago, is now getting a divorce from her husband. Why? He left her in October for his girlfriend! I was disgusted. Here is a couple who have been married for 11 years, had 3 children together (the third pregnancy causing the wife considerable difficulty), and then he just up and leaves. It sickens me. I was, needless to say, not impressed. I think if I were to ever see him again (he was a former YM leader in my ward), I would kick him in the nuts.

Marriage is of the utmost importance to me, which is why I say I never will get married. I am not one of the emotional maturity to support myself plus my spouce, so I have said it will probably never be so. I respect and admire people who have been married for years and years, working side by side to see things through. I have no tolerance for those that walk out on their husbands/wives for the sake of "newness" in another relationship. I'm sorry, but that's not what you promised each other, or God for that matter, when you were married. It's even more sickening when it is a couple married in the temple (LDS technobabble, sorry...). There are a lot of things said in that ceremony that are beautiful promises given. Why give those up? I don't really know some people's rationales, but I am not too certain I would want to hear them attempt to defend their choices. I just wouldn't.

I look to my wonderful parents and their parents as role models. My parents have been married for over 25 years (27 this June), and I am so proud of them. I'm sure that I and my almost-as-crazy siblings have been a difficult lot to handle, but they have done amazing things in their lives and I love them so much. Likewise, my grandparents are amazing. My dad's parents were married just over 60 years when my grandpa passed away. He (Pa, we called him) was married for a very brief time to someone when he was much younger, like fresh out of high school, but she left him. He and his wife (Meemah), were married in 1942, and stayed together through thick and thin until his passing in March of 2003. My mom's parents were also married in 1942, and they were married for over 50 years before my grandfather's passing (we called him Granddad) in January of 1996. They are incredible people, and even if they don't know it, they mean the world to me in how they taught me to behave as a person.

Though I am sure that every couple will have difficulties in life, there should never be a reason for such betrayal as leaving your spouse for the company of another man/woman. There just isn't. When you marry someone, you agree to be with him/her for as long as you live (or "for time and eternity" in the LDS church). No wedding that I am aware of has a statement such as "to have and to hold, until you find someone hotter [or richer, funnier, wittier, etc.]). There are things that are inexcusable, such as an abusive spouse (like my Great-Aunt Martha Raye's ex-husband) that necessitates termination of the marriage. Of course I would choose divorce over such an awful relationship. It's the ones that end because someone decides they wanna move on to someone else that makes me unhappy.

So, for Valentine's Day this year, remember why you are with the one you chose at the altar, church, hotel ballroom, wherever, and renew that promise you made in that ceremony. Those that have had their hearts broken by an unfaithful spouse, know that I am so sorry for you, and I wish you the best in moving forward to making a happy new life for yourselves. Those that are contemplating such a dastardly deed, STOP! Don't do it!! Please?!?!?!

Thanks for reading (like anyone actually *does*...). But, I felt like I had to put that out there.

Yep, Still Up at 3:20am!

So, what else do you do this time of night? Blog! What do you talk about? I have no earthly idea! Eh, so let's just talk fun stuff. I like music, a lot. I got an 8-disc set of much of Stravinsky's orchestral music/ballets/etc. It's beautiful. I love to listen to music a lot, and I love to play even more. That's why it makes me sad that I have not been feeling well lately. The first things to go when I am not well are class attendance and practice time. Yeah, both have been almost non-existant for over a week now. It hurts. Granted, when I am up this late at night, it stands to reason that I would not get up on time the next morning, but the thing is that I used to do this all the time freshman year and during high school before that. So, why can I not do that anymore? Well, part of the problem is that I take medication that always makes me tired, so no matter what time of day it is, I am tired. That is usually my stock answer for when people ask me how I am. Yep, cuz it's always true. I try and push past it as best I can, especially since I have been on these medications for over two years now; you'd think I'd be used to them. I try, really I do, but it just isn't adding up. This semester has been a wreck already, and we're only a month in. I just need a weekend to cool down and just not do anything, but then I get depressed from not doing anything, and then I get out of shape again and stop doing stuff i.e. go to class. So, it's a weird cycle that I never fully understand.

In other news, I am happy to report that my little sister is done with physical therapy! Since most of you have no idea what I'm talking about (assuming anyone is actually reading this), I will tell you. Back during the fall, she was playing with a neighbor boy and he was spinning her around in the front yard. Well, the boy proceeded to drop my sister...on her head. Well, her neck hurt really bad from that, and so she had to wear a brace and take nice pills. Well, as she went to the doctor a few weeks later, they determined that she had actually had a concussion, and that since they did not realize it the first time around, she had developed post-concussive syndrome, meaning her brain had been injured and needed to heal. So she was out of commission for two weeks. After that, in order to get her headaches and neckaches to go away, she went to physical therapy. I took her to a couple of her sessions while I was home for Christmas. But, talking to Mom the other day, I have since found out that she is done and back to her old self (yes, we'll call it a good thing). Yeah, she's a good kid.

Other than that, I am just sitting around gathering dust on my lazy ass, so I am going to go now. Maybe I'll go to bed...What a novel idea!!

6 months older and none the wiser

So, yesterday was my half-birthday. Yes, my family celebrates those with my mom baking this wonderful chocolate chip cookie cake. Soooo good. So, I started to think about my life in the past 6 months. It shocked me how much life has changed for me since July. First off, I have a blog...Hm, I never saw that one coming. I just naturally assumed that blogs were for people who had interesting things to talk about (i.e. not me). Either way, I have one, and I use it occasionally. Also, I have severely rethought my graduate school plans. If you had asked me back in July where I was going for my master's degree, I would've rolled my eyes and said, "Duh, BYU." Now I am almost deathly allergic to the idea of staying here for grad school. So what changed? Well, for one, I want to get out and see things. I want to go somewhere different (yeah, Utah is not for me), and I want to learn more. I think if I could take my organ professor with me, I'd do that. He is an awesome teacher and I have enjoyed studying with him, but I need to get away from here. That was big when I decided on that. That's not to say that I would rather not go to grad school at all than stay here. I have a select list of places that I am looking at for school, and should none of them work out then I will stay here for my master's. I also think that I finally have a solid group of friends that help me with anything and everything. I greatly appreciate them for that. I have always sort of been a drifter, not really having a group of friends that I am ALWAYS with, but now I do. I love it. Anyway, I don't care to discuss too much here, but I have enjoyed the path my life has taken in the past six months. Here's to another six that are equally memorable and enjoyable.

Vacation Over, Back to Work

So, I had an excellent vacation away from the stresses of school and Utah in general. The only stuff I had to worry about was what to get members of my family for Christmas. Granted, it was a bit harder than I originally thought, seeing as how I do not live with them and thus do not regularly interact with them. Oh well, that's just how life goes. I got all three CD sets I wanted (Britten, Prokofiev, and Hindemith), plus many more, and several things that were very pleasant surprises, such as a digital camera. Now I can actually take pictures...a lot. So yeah, in addition to all that, my mother and I ate at all our favorite places, such as Kirin House (a marvelous Japanese steak house) and Atlanta Bread Company (it's like Panera, but way better). But, now that all my shenanigens are over, I am back in Provo, where I have been greeted by awful amounts of snow...It makes me sad.

But, here we are back at BYU, and I already have 20% attendance for the first two days. In my defense, I have been sick since Thursday, so I am still getting over that. Besides, the first day of class is usually pointless anyway, so I don't feel overly guilty. I made a promise to myself to be better with attendance, even if I am not feeling overly well that day. I like school, really I do, but I let myself wear down to a point where I cannot function properly. So, we are identifying the factors that contribute to my less-than-ideal health, and eliminating them. So, all will be peachy keen now, right?

Anyway, so in other news, poor Tony has left us for greener (or whiter, since he's in the snowy Midwest) pastures, so I have decided to devote my whole week to acting out the 5 stages of grieving. I don't know where I come up with this crap, but it has been fun so far. Yesterday I was in denial that he was leaving, and today I am angry. Tomorrow is bargaining (either with him or with God), Thursday is depression (I'm an expert in *that* field already), and then acceptance comes Friday. Yay!

I have also decided to start posting random things I say that people react to on here. So, on Sunday, at Tony's/Andrew Snow's apt, I made the following statement:
"Syphilis is just a made-up disease that people use as an excuse for acting crazy after they have sex."
I don't know why I say things like that, but I am just weird, so it happens.

Well, that's all I can think of, so peace be with you, and an extra piece for *you*.

Detached, really

So, I have been working this past semester to successfully learn and memorize the "Concerto for Organ & Orchestra" by Daniel Gawthrop, a composer whose music is quite lovely. Last Thursday night, I recorded the concerto as my audition for Dr. Cook to see if I could be allowed to audition for the School of Music concerto competition which is held every January. If I won the school's competition, I would be allowed to play this concerto with the BYU Philharmonic. On Thursday, two days ago, I met with Dr. Cook to discuss my recording, and he told me that he and Dr. Bush decided not to let it pass to the school's audition. I was...ok with that. Why? I have been asking myself that for the past three days now, and so far, I have no real idea. The reasons he gave me were that it was not as polished as it would need to be in order to win, and it is also not an overly well-written work. Fair enough. He seemed a little surprised that I was taking it not only well, but very well. Again, I don't even know why. I had all but sold my soul to Satan to be able to successfully memorize this piece.

For any and all that do not know, BYU's organ department does not require memorization as standard operating procedure for its students. Therefore, I have not had prior experience with making myself memorize a piece of music. This was a new thing for me, and on my first attempt, I was very successful with it. I now know this piece forward and backward, and I am very grateful for the opportunity to do this. I asked Dr. Cook to help me select a new concerto for next year's competition because I really would like to learn something that is a born (or written?) winner and something that I would enjoy playing. The organ concerto is not a very well-known genre. In fact, when I tell people of my interest in learning organ/orchestra pieces, they automatically say "Oh, like the Saint-Saens?". Sigh, no. That is not even close to a concerto. It's an orchestral work with an organ IN the orchestra, not set against it. Haha, it is SOOOO boring for the organist, even if it is a very powerful piece. Anyway, there are many new works that I have discovered over the past year or two that are beautiful, and I would like to someday make a quasi-career focusing on these pieces. I mean, it works for people like Jacqueline du Pre, Vladimir Ashkenazy, and Isaac Stern, so why not an organist? So, I have been looking.

Also, some are confused when the teacher says it is not well-written. Why let the student learn it, then? Well, it's because I was ADAMENT! I attended the premiere of this work, and I loved it. I still do. It isn't fantastic, but it is nice. So, Dr. Cook (bless his heart) knew better than to dissuade me from working on it. I really enjoyed it, and I still do. I knew after I recorded it that it was losing my favor, though. It's not that I didn't like it anymore, but I lost some interest in pursuing it further, at least until I heard back from Dr. Cook. That was sort of an indicator that maybe I shouldn't so actively and forcefully pursue it. Now, I am free to look into my solo works, like Franck!

I say all of this because it brings up an interesting point about my personality. I am not emotional. Very rarely do I become emotionally involved in any aspect of anyone's life. I don't cry, I don't yell, I don't fly into a rage. I sometimes don't laugh, or smile. Really, I am quite stoic when it comes to emotional expression. It concerns some people when I say that I haven't cried in almost 2 1/2 years. Is that bad? Some say so, but I don't know anything different, so I just don't cry. Oh well. So, when Dr. Cook gave me the news, I didn't react with any emotion, just calm acceptance. Was that the right way to react? Should I have been even a little upset? Is it bad that I am more frustrated by this than the actual concerto? I don't really know, but I found a long time ago that it is better for me to keep my emotions to myself. When I suffered a major breakdown over 2 1/2 years ago, I knew the only real way to protect myself was to file them away. Sometimes I think I did too good a job, as when I feel I need to cry, I cannot bring myself to do so. I think I prefer it that way. My personality type is ISTJ, and it says that I have a hard time expressing emotions, even if I am feeling them very strongly. It's true. I see it every day. And guess what. I'm really, REALLY O.K. with that.

So, next year, let's look at something else, like Dupre or Rheinberger and do it again! It'll be fun!

Things that annoy me (beware, it could get lengthy) ;-)

So, I have been without my medications that make my life much more livable since Wednesday (aka, I took the last ones on Tuesday...), and the results have been less than fair...As a direct result, I have not only had to deal with my health issues as they are, but also side effects of withdrawal. Yes, I am chemically dependent on this stuff because I have been taking it for over two years. Needless to say, the past several days have been filled with much foggy mentality and physical tremors that make me unhappy with life. Oh well. So, thing #1 that annoys me is the Student Health Center being closed for the ENTIRE Thanksgiving Break. I'm sorry, but if you're going to give us health insurance that makes it cheaper to drive off a cliff than buy two 30-day supplies of medications anywhere but on campus, then you need to be open to us when we need it. I'm NOT going to spend almost $200 at Walgreen's because of your sorriness.
Thing #2 is those stupid Word of Wisdom freaks that grow and fester all over the BYU community. For anyone not familiar with BYU as a campus, there's no caffeinated beverages to be had there. If you want a REAL Dr. Pepper or a REAL Diet Coke, then go to the grocery store or a restaurant not on campus or you'll have to settle for the artificial, non-caffeine type. Nevertheless, morons (not to be confused with Mormons) will tell you it is in keeping with the Word of Wisdom, an LDS doctrine meant to help people live more healthily by providing standards of food and drink (hence the no alcohol and no tobacco policy). However, if you ask one of these morons where in the WofW (abbr. is nice) it says "no caffeine", they'll hm and hum and finally just tell you some prophet said so...Well, maybe I'm old-fashion, but I like my doctrine in writing. Also, if you ask these nut jobs if they eat meat in July, they'll look at you funny and not understand. Yet in the WofW, the same one that says nothing about caffeine, there is a passage that says that it is pleasing to the Lord that "they be used not at all, only in times of winter, etc. etc." Do they think of that? No. Do they care? No. But they'll rip someone's heart out if they see a caffeinated beverage in the BYU Bookstore or the Cougareat. I should still have my agency, especially where something that is not prohibited is concerned. I pay tithing (10% of my income) just like the next person, and if I want a Diet Dr. Pepper between classes, then why should I have to bring my own or walk over to the gas station to get one? If it's not against the rules, then why are people so anal about it? When you find out, let me know.
Thing #3 is probably offensive, but children annoy me on several occasions...Haha, sorry, but it's true. I was at the BYU Bookstore yesterday, and there were kids EVERYWHERE. Why, of all places in the Provo-Orem-Not SLC area, are they at a campus bookstore? Take 'em to the dang mall or something like a normal parent should. That way all of the rambunctious (sp?) kids can be in one concentrated area that fits the bill: away from me... Although, then when I show up at the mall, they're everywhere AGAIN. You just can't win...
Thing #4 would definitely be Utah in general. Nowhere have I felt more uncomfortable as far as weather or people. These people are weird, and I am never too sure how to take it. Are they really like this all the time, or is it for show? I mean, it's bad enough that people think that Mormons are weird and crazy, but it doesn't mean we need to prove them right. Just get a hold of yourself, consider who's watching, and shape up. Yes, it's nice for people to see just how righteous you are by condemning other people's behavior (sarcasm), but please, stop. Seriously. As for the weather, it's mostly because I am from Georgia, one of the warmest, most humid states in the union. I love it there, and it pains me to be away for 10.5-11 months out of the year. Last year, I was home for Christmas for two weeks and home for my brother's wedding/summer vacation for 2 weeks. Sadness...
Thing #5 I should hold off on until I am sure I know what I'm doing. Those of you who already know about what I've been unhappy about lately that has nothing to do with me really will understand, and everyone else can wait til I tell you. Now do I have you curious? Hopefully not too much, cuz curiosity is a sucky thing to live with.
But, for all the things that drive me nuts and make me want to slap the closest person to me at any given time, there are many, many things that are amazingly awesome that I enjoy so very much, most importantly my friends and family. My friends have been awesome to me, especially considering my medication disaster. They rock, and I love 'em all! So, until later, then, ciao!

My First Day Here

So, sometimes I have wondered why people blog, but I have slowly come to enjoy others' blogs, so I have decided to begin one for myself. It's no big deal really; I doubt I'll ever say anything here that will make people feel their day has become brighter or more easily understood as a result. For one, I am not profound. If anything, you're more likely to see me swearing and whining than trying to explain the intricacies (sp?) of life... That's just how I am, though, and those that know me will appreciate it and those that don't will either catch on or just not read it. Either way, it's just sorta how these things go.
So, what is there to say on my first day here? Well, nothing really. I have nothing to really say today, though I must say that I very much enjoyed my Thanksgiving holiday, except that I ended up riding a bike 4 miles roundtrip today, over two and a half years after I swore I would never ride one again. Sad really. I just don't like them, and I feel sorry for people that do because it really is a painful experience.
Anything profound I want to say today? Well, I don't think that this is the place for real contemplation on my part. I just like to know I have somewhere to express my own frustrations and people can read them and tell me what they think. I am much better at expressing my thoughts through written/typed wording than through actual verbal communication, so I like this idea better. I do want to say that I love music though. More specifically, I love "classical" music. Anyone who says that it ALL sounds the same has something wrong with him/her. If you can honestly tell me that Haydn's 46th symphony sounds JUST LIKE Shostakovich's 11th symphony, then you need a mental health check-up. That's just all there is to it. I have found throughout my years of CD collecting (going on 12 years or so now [my first CDs were the Mozart piano quartets and 3 Beethoven sonatas]) that there is so much variety in "art music" that there is no excuse to label all of it as being monotonous. If I were to tell you that I thought the Backstreet Boys and the Beatles sounded the same to me, I would have 20 different people telling me that I was nuts. Yet somehow classical music just gets the shaft from everyone else. Where multiple songs by the same band tend to have similar chord progressions and structure, composers in the classical genre sound different just between two works, even ones that are close to each other in time. I listen to Barber's piano concerto and compare it to his "Toccata Festiva", and it is just stunning. Try it sometime. Really. And if you want recommendations from my own private collection, I can certainly help out. I just introduced a friend to Benjamin Britten's "War Requiem" a few weeks ago. It's just what I do. And I'm always buying more. I am currently awaiting a recording of Brahms's 1st piano concerto and R. Strauss's "Burleske". Yay music!
So yeah, this is just how I am: opinionated. I always have something on my mind, but I usually keep it to myself in person, so maybe this is what I need to get my thoughts out of my head...I don't know... This ought to be fun, though, right?