One Thing Still Missing

When I first went home to Georgia following my medical debacle during my church service assignment, I was not in good shape. Besides the obvious mental disaster occurring, I was not eating and I was just not in the mood to ever do anything. The biggest and scariest part was I had absolutely no desire to play the piano/organ/musical instruments...It was very saddening, both to myself as an avid musician and to my parents who knew how much joy it used to give me. I think it was at least a month and a half after switching to new medications before I even sat down at the bench and played one little piece. During the three or four months between my return home and that day, I could hardly stand being in the same room as that piano, and it was sad. Fortunately, with time, I got back into the swing of things and picked up where I had left off. Much happiness was had (and there was much rejoicing).
Unfortunately, that was not to last. This past semester, in which I again found myself in ruins, I noticed that one thing that resulted was my lack of desire and interest in performing music. That hurt. I hated going into the practice rooms cuz it made me sick at my stomach, and I hated my lessons even more because I had to play in order to get a grade. That was even worse.
I know authors/composers get writer's block, and I'm sure artists have similar woes, but what do you call it when a performer can't perform? Musician's block? Whatever it is, it sucks. Music performance is nothing without the "heart" and "soul" of a performer. I put those in quotations since I lack such things anyway...Either way, emotions and passion make music what it is, and I have noticed that I have felt no such passion for about 6 months now. I recently changed medications again (see last post), and now I am hoping that, given time, I will rekindle that desire to perform. I love the organ; it is the King of Instruments. I love to play, but I am just out-of-touch right now...It is the one thing still missing from my recent depression episode that I want back. I am hoping that, after my vacation in Georgia over the next couple of weeks, I will be able to start again. I have plans for the future, and I won't let illness stop me now! Music performance is joyous because of the love that the performer/s have for it. I want it back, and I will have it. So help me.

Change Can Be Good

So, I have been incredibly ill this semester. I have been unable to get myself out of bed with any sort of regularity since December, and that caused a lot of problems with my academia. I was aching all the time, and no matter how much sleep I got, I felt that I needed more. Needless to say, it was not a good place to be. I have been trying to get in to see a doctor at the BYU Health Center for the past month-ish, but I kept missing or rescheduling the appointments (because I couldn't get up...). Well, Friday it all changed. I got up, went to the doctor, and got stuff figured out. For one thing, she took away my Paxil (anti-depressant #2) because it is a sedating medication and replaced it with Wellbutrin (NEW anti-depressant #2) because it is a stimulator. Secondly, she upped the dosage of my Lexapro (anti-depressant #1) from 20mg to 30mg. Thirdly, she had the lab people take blood and (sorry...) urine samples to test for other possibilities as to my aches, pains, and sleepiness. Anyway, here we are on a nice Sunday night/Monday morning, and I am pleased to say that I am already feeling a LOT better. Since Friday, I have gotten up BEFORE noon every day, and I am not extremely tired the whole day. I was with friends at lunchtime and was telling them that I actually felt awake. While it is too early to say for sure that I am "all better", I do believe it is safe to say that I am "much better than I was". I am hoping that the bloodwork comes back negative for anything saddening, since now I am mostly convinced that my chronic aches were the result of untreated depression symptoms and that the fatigue was the result of those symptoms plus that DAMNED PAXIL!!! The Paxil was just the secondary medication, yet it was the one that had basically been controlling my functioning (or lack there of) for the past several months. Curses... Well, anyway, so now things are looking up. I am therefore planning to have a good summer filled with lots of good activities with friends and (for 3 weeks) family. I will actually be active and fun and stuff. Then, when Fall Semester comes around, I am gonna kick its ass, baby!

Too Tired

So, with the semester coming to its crushing finale, I am forced now to see the unhealthy fruits of a semester's waste of time. I have not done well this semester with any aspect of my education, and it is heart-breaking (Well...if I had one, it would be). Either way, I have lost a lot of ground this semester, and I think it mostly has to do with my lack of action concerning my health. As anyone who knows me well enough is aware, I am clinically depressed. By that, I mean I am ill, physically, and not just "oh, I had a bad day." It's really more of a "I had a bad...all-the-time". I am on medication (my "happy pills" that keep me semi-functional), but I think that there might be more to it than just the depression. This semester, it has become gradually more difficult to get out of bed in the morning, and within the past month or so, I have experienced soreness and achings that were not there before. While these may be more physical manifestations of existing problems, I am slightly concerned that I may have CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). It is a condition defined by aches and such, as well as never feeling rested. When I first returned home from my church service assignment over 2 1/2 years ago, I could not remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. I still am not sure if I have ever had one, most certainly not within the last year. It sucks because even when I get up and get my day started, I am still exhausted easily, and it is not a fun feeling to be stuck with. So, I have made a doctor's appointment (a few weeks ago that I rescheduled twice and then missed flat-out) for this coming Monday to perhaps see if there really is more to my condition than originally thought. If not, then I may consider a change in my medications to include one that deals with physical pains of depression (like Cymbalta). Basically, the next few weeks will hopefully see some changes in my well-being so that I am not so out of it. I want to have a fun summer of work/practice/friends, but it won't be nearly as fun or productive if I spend most of the day in bed completely drained. So yeah, fun times await us as we look into this. Won't that be fun...

Sometimes it's almost enough to...

So I had a lot to think about this past weekend. My mom came to visit me from home (Atlanta, GA), and it was a most lovely visit. That is an impressive distance of about (and this is just a rough estimate) 2530 km (1572 miles). Yeah, apparently I am worth that. I had been a bit down lately, through a variety of difficulties including poor health. Actually, I think that has been THE difficulty. I am always tired, I ache, and I just feel out of it in general. So, since she is the best mom in the world, she came out here and we spent almost 3 full days together doing fun things.
When I say that I had a lot to think about, it mainly came to be that my mom really wants me to go home for the summer. She said I could just rest up, not do anything, chill, etc. and then come back to school for the fall. Now, I had never really thought of that before. While I have been here pretty constantly since my return to school in August 2007, I never seem to overly loathe being here (snow excluded). So, when she told me that was what she thought was best for me, I had a lot of thinking to do. I weighed the pros and cons, and I was really troubled by just how much she wanted me to come home. So, given the options, I still decided that I would like to be here for the summer. Here being Provo. My mom noted that I had not had a real vacation in a while, mainly in that I didn't do anything fun last summer. Then I realized that there was a lot going on this summer that I would be missing if I went home. My friends that I have become close to over the past year, plus those that I have spent the year before last with, will all be here this summer. I also made plans to work 4 days per week and to take time off when I need it.
Granted, I still have plans to go home for a few weeks to see the family, as it would be sad not to, but I just can't see myself enjoying an entire summer at home. I would feel lazy, uninterested in things, and I would undo a lot of the social progression that I have made in the past year-plus.
So, while I would love to always make my mother happy, since she is the best person ever, I will have to go with what I feel is best for me and stay here for the summer. Hmmm...Now how to tell her...Sigh...

Because I'm bored...

So, it's been well over a month since I last wrote anything here, and not that anything exciting has really happened in my life since then, but whatever. So maybe I'll just write to say that I am tired, or that my back hurts. By the way, both are true today.
I will say that I have noticed that I am in a financial disaster at present. I blame myself because I just have not been very good with money since I came back to school a year and a half ago. I just haven't. So, here I am with too much credit card debt, plus being severely overdrawn in my Wachovia account...Sigh...So, what to do...Well, my mom and I talked and I think I will be taking out a student loan. Then I can have money enough to pay off the credit cards, pay the overdraft, and have MONEY! Like, real money. Money I can use to pay rent, money I can use to pay tuition stuff, and money to buy food! OK so the last part is a bit of a stretch, but you get the idea. I mean, summer is coming up, so I would start to make more money, but I need to make money that I can set aside for other things. So I can actually start to BUILD an income, not just live paycheck to paycheck. Granted I know I am severely addicted to CD-shopping, and while that will most likely not go away anytime soon, I am learning how to be more conservative and to WAIT. It's hard, but it's just what I have to do for now.
Anyway, I really have nothing else to say, but it feels nice to actually write something for the first time in a while. Ciao.

It breaks what would be my heart

Yes, I know that I am not an emotional or caring person for the most part, but I am very saddened today. I was just on facebook (not entirely out of the ordinary), and I found out that a lovely woman from my ward, who moved a few years ago, is now getting a divorce from her husband. Why? He left her in October for his girlfriend! I was disgusted. Here is a couple who have been married for 11 years, had 3 children together (the third pregnancy causing the wife considerable difficulty), and then he just up and leaves. It sickens me. I was, needless to say, not impressed. I think if I were to ever see him again (he was a former YM leader in my ward), I would kick him in the nuts.

Marriage is of the utmost importance to me, which is why I say I never will get married. I am not one of the emotional maturity to support myself plus my spouce, so I have said it will probably never be so. I respect and admire people who have been married for years and years, working side by side to see things through. I have no tolerance for those that walk out on their husbands/wives for the sake of "newness" in another relationship. I'm sorry, but that's not what you promised each other, or God for that matter, when you were married. It's even more sickening when it is a couple married in the temple (LDS technobabble, sorry...). There are a lot of things said in that ceremony that are beautiful promises given. Why give those up? I don't really know some people's rationales, but I am not too certain I would want to hear them attempt to defend their choices. I just wouldn't.

I look to my wonderful parents and their parents as role models. My parents have been married for over 25 years (27 this June), and I am so proud of them. I'm sure that I and my almost-as-crazy siblings have been a difficult lot to handle, but they have done amazing things in their lives and I love them so much. Likewise, my grandparents are amazing. My dad's parents were married just over 60 years when my grandpa passed away. He (Pa, we called him) was married for a very brief time to someone when he was much younger, like fresh out of high school, but she left him. He and his wife (Meemah), were married in 1942, and stayed together through thick and thin until his passing in March of 2003. My mom's parents were also married in 1942, and they were married for over 50 years before my grandfather's passing (we called him Granddad) in January of 1996. They are incredible people, and even if they don't know it, they mean the world to me in how they taught me to behave as a person.

Though I am sure that every couple will have difficulties in life, there should never be a reason for such betrayal as leaving your spouse for the company of another man/woman. There just isn't. When you marry someone, you agree to be with him/her for as long as you live (or "for time and eternity" in the LDS church). No wedding that I am aware of has a statement such as "to have and to hold, until you find someone hotter [or richer, funnier, wittier, etc.]). There are things that are inexcusable, such as an abusive spouse (like my Great-Aunt Martha Raye's ex-husband) that necessitates termination of the marriage. Of course I would choose divorce over such an awful relationship. It's the ones that end because someone decides they wanna move on to someone else that makes me unhappy.

So, for Valentine's Day this year, remember why you are with the one you chose at the altar, church, hotel ballroom, wherever, and renew that promise you made in that ceremony. Those that have had their hearts broken by an unfaithful spouse, know that I am so sorry for you, and I wish you the best in moving forward to making a happy new life for yourselves. Those that are contemplating such a dastardly deed, STOP! Don't do it!! Please?!?!?!

Thanks for reading (like anyone actually *does*...). But, I felt like I had to put that out there.

Yep, Still Up at 3:20am!

So, what else do you do this time of night? Blog! What do you talk about? I have no earthly idea! Eh, so let's just talk fun stuff. I like music, a lot. I got an 8-disc set of much of Stravinsky's orchestral music/ballets/etc. It's beautiful. I love to listen to music a lot, and I love to play even more. That's why it makes me sad that I have not been feeling well lately. The first things to go when I am not well are class attendance and practice time. Yeah, both have been almost non-existant for over a week now. It hurts. Granted, when I am up this late at night, it stands to reason that I would not get up on time the next morning, but the thing is that I used to do this all the time freshman year and during high school before that. So, why can I not do that anymore? Well, part of the problem is that I take medication that always makes me tired, so no matter what time of day it is, I am tired. That is usually my stock answer for when people ask me how I am. Yep, cuz it's always true. I try and push past it as best I can, especially since I have been on these medications for over two years now; you'd think I'd be used to them. I try, really I do, but it just isn't adding up. This semester has been a wreck already, and we're only a month in. I just need a weekend to cool down and just not do anything, but then I get depressed from not doing anything, and then I get out of shape again and stop doing stuff i.e. go to class. So, it's a weird cycle that I never fully understand.

In other news, I am happy to report that my little sister is done with physical therapy! Since most of you have no idea what I'm talking about (assuming anyone is actually reading this), I will tell you. Back during the fall, she was playing with a neighbor boy and he was spinning her around in the front yard. Well, the boy proceeded to drop my sister...on her head. Well, her neck hurt really bad from that, and so she had to wear a brace and take nice pills. Well, as she went to the doctor a few weeks later, they determined that she had actually had a concussion, and that since they did not realize it the first time around, she had developed post-concussive syndrome, meaning her brain had been injured and needed to heal. So she was out of commission for two weeks. After that, in order to get her headaches and neckaches to go away, she went to physical therapy. I took her to a couple of her sessions while I was home for Christmas. But, talking to Mom the other day, I have since found out that she is done and back to her old self (yes, we'll call it a good thing). Yeah, she's a good kid.

Other than that, I am just sitting around gathering dust on my lazy ass, so I am going to go now. Maybe I'll go to bed...What a novel idea!!