Detached, really

So, I have been working this past semester to successfully learn and memorize the "Concerto for Organ & Orchestra" by Daniel Gawthrop, a composer whose music is quite lovely. Last Thursday night, I recorded the concerto as my audition for Dr. Cook to see if I could be allowed to audition for the School of Music concerto competition which is held every January. If I won the school's competition, I would be allowed to play this concerto with the BYU Philharmonic. On Thursday, two days ago, I met with Dr. Cook to discuss my recording, and he told me that he and Dr. Bush decided not to let it pass to the school's audition. I was...ok with that. Why? I have been asking myself that for the past three days now, and so far, I have no real idea. The reasons he gave me were that it was not as polished as it would need to be in order to win, and it is also not an overly well-written work. Fair enough. He seemed a little surprised that I was taking it not only well, but very well. Again, I don't even know why. I had all but sold my soul to Satan to be able to successfully memorize this piece.

For any and all that do not know, BYU's organ department does not require memorization as standard operating procedure for its students. Therefore, I have not had prior experience with making myself memorize a piece of music. This was a new thing for me, and on my first attempt, I was very successful with it. I now know this piece forward and backward, and I am very grateful for the opportunity to do this. I asked Dr. Cook to help me select a new concerto for next year's competition because I really would like to learn something that is a born (or written?) winner and something that I would enjoy playing. The organ concerto is not a very well-known genre. In fact, when I tell people of my interest in learning organ/orchestra pieces, they automatically say "Oh, like the Saint-Saens?". Sigh, no. That is not even close to a concerto. It's an orchestral work with an organ IN the orchestra, not set against it. Haha, it is SOOOO boring for the organist, even if it is a very powerful piece. Anyway, there are many new works that I have discovered over the past year or two that are beautiful, and I would like to someday make a quasi-career focusing on these pieces. I mean, it works for people like Jacqueline du Pre, Vladimir Ashkenazy, and Isaac Stern, so why not an organist? So, I have been looking.

Also, some are confused when the teacher says it is not well-written. Why let the student learn it, then? Well, it's because I was ADAMENT! I attended the premiere of this work, and I loved it. I still do. It isn't fantastic, but it is nice. So, Dr. Cook (bless his heart) knew better than to dissuade me from working on it. I really enjoyed it, and I still do. I knew after I recorded it that it was losing my favor, though. It's not that I didn't like it anymore, but I lost some interest in pursuing it further, at least until I heard back from Dr. Cook. That was sort of an indicator that maybe I shouldn't so actively and forcefully pursue it. Now, I am free to look into my solo works, like Franck!

I say all of this because it brings up an interesting point about my personality. I am not emotional. Very rarely do I become emotionally involved in any aspect of anyone's life. I don't cry, I don't yell, I don't fly into a rage. I sometimes don't laugh, or smile. Really, I am quite stoic when it comes to emotional expression. It concerns some people when I say that I haven't cried in almost 2 1/2 years. Is that bad? Some say so, but I don't know anything different, so I just don't cry. Oh well. So, when Dr. Cook gave me the news, I didn't react with any emotion, just calm acceptance. Was that the right way to react? Should I have been even a little upset? Is it bad that I am more frustrated by this than the actual concerto? I don't really know, but I found a long time ago that it is better for me to keep my emotions to myself. When I suffered a major breakdown over 2 1/2 years ago, I knew the only real way to protect myself was to file them away. Sometimes I think I did too good a job, as when I feel I need to cry, I cannot bring myself to do so. I think I prefer it that way. My personality type is ISTJ, and it says that I have a hard time expressing emotions, even if I am feeling them very strongly. It's true. I see it every day. And guess what. I'm really, REALLY O.K. with that.

So, next year, let's look at something else, like Dupre or Rheinberger and do it again! It'll be fun!

Things that annoy me (beware, it could get lengthy) ;-)

So, I have been without my medications that make my life much more livable since Wednesday (aka, I took the last ones on Tuesday...), and the results have been less than fair...As a direct result, I have not only had to deal with my health issues as they are, but also side effects of withdrawal. Yes, I am chemically dependent on this stuff because I have been taking it for over two years. Needless to say, the past several days have been filled with much foggy mentality and physical tremors that make me unhappy with life. Oh well. So, thing #1 that annoys me is the Student Health Center being closed for the ENTIRE Thanksgiving Break. I'm sorry, but if you're going to give us health insurance that makes it cheaper to drive off a cliff than buy two 30-day supplies of medications anywhere but on campus, then you need to be open to us when we need it. I'm NOT going to spend almost $200 at Walgreen's because of your sorriness.
Thing #2 is those stupid Word of Wisdom freaks that grow and fester all over the BYU community. For anyone not familiar with BYU as a campus, there's no caffeinated beverages to be had there. If you want a REAL Dr. Pepper or a REAL Diet Coke, then go to the grocery store or a restaurant not on campus or you'll have to settle for the artificial, non-caffeine type. Nevertheless, morons (not to be confused with Mormons) will tell you it is in keeping with the Word of Wisdom, an LDS doctrine meant to help people live more healthily by providing standards of food and drink (hence the no alcohol and no tobacco policy). However, if you ask one of these morons where in the WofW (abbr. is nice) it says "no caffeine", they'll hm and hum and finally just tell you some prophet said so...Well, maybe I'm old-fashion, but I like my doctrine in writing. Also, if you ask these nut jobs if they eat meat in July, they'll look at you funny and not understand. Yet in the WofW, the same one that says nothing about caffeine, there is a passage that says that it is pleasing to the Lord that "they be used not at all, only in times of winter, etc. etc." Do they think of that? No. Do they care? No. But they'll rip someone's heart out if they see a caffeinated beverage in the BYU Bookstore or the Cougareat. I should still have my agency, especially where something that is not prohibited is concerned. I pay tithing (10% of my income) just like the next person, and if I want a Diet Dr. Pepper between classes, then why should I have to bring my own or walk over to the gas station to get one? If it's not against the rules, then why are people so anal about it? When you find out, let me know.
Thing #3 is probably offensive, but children annoy me on several occasions...Haha, sorry, but it's true. I was at the BYU Bookstore yesterday, and there were kids EVERYWHERE. Why, of all places in the Provo-Orem-Not SLC area, are they at a campus bookstore? Take 'em to the dang mall or something like a normal parent should. That way all of the rambunctious (sp?) kids can be in one concentrated area that fits the bill: away from me... Although, then when I show up at the mall, they're everywhere AGAIN. You just can't win...
Thing #4 would definitely be Utah in general. Nowhere have I felt more uncomfortable as far as weather or people. These people are weird, and I am never too sure how to take it. Are they really like this all the time, or is it for show? I mean, it's bad enough that people think that Mormons are weird and crazy, but it doesn't mean we need to prove them right. Just get a hold of yourself, consider who's watching, and shape up. Yes, it's nice for people to see just how righteous you are by condemning other people's behavior (sarcasm), but please, stop. Seriously. As for the weather, it's mostly because I am from Georgia, one of the warmest, most humid states in the union. I love it there, and it pains me to be away for 10.5-11 months out of the year. Last year, I was home for Christmas for two weeks and home for my brother's wedding/summer vacation for 2 weeks. Sadness...
Thing #5 I should hold off on until I am sure I know what I'm doing. Those of you who already know about what I've been unhappy about lately that has nothing to do with me really will understand, and everyone else can wait til I tell you. Now do I have you curious? Hopefully not too much, cuz curiosity is a sucky thing to live with.
But, for all the things that drive me nuts and make me want to slap the closest person to me at any given time, there are many, many things that are amazingly awesome that I enjoy so very much, most importantly my friends and family. My friends have been awesome to me, especially considering my medication disaster. They rock, and I love 'em all! So, until later, then, ciao!

My First Day Here

So, sometimes I have wondered why people blog, but I have slowly come to enjoy others' blogs, so I have decided to begin one for myself. It's no big deal really; I doubt I'll ever say anything here that will make people feel their day has become brighter or more easily understood as a result. For one, I am not profound. If anything, you're more likely to see me swearing and whining than trying to explain the intricacies (sp?) of life... That's just how I am, though, and those that know me will appreciate it and those that don't will either catch on or just not read it. Either way, it's just sorta how these things go.
So, what is there to say on my first day here? Well, nothing really. I have nothing to really say today, though I must say that I very much enjoyed my Thanksgiving holiday, except that I ended up riding a bike 4 miles roundtrip today, over two and a half years after I swore I would never ride one again. Sad really. I just don't like them, and I feel sorry for people that do because it really is a painful experience.
Anything profound I want to say today? Well, I don't think that this is the place for real contemplation on my part. I just like to know I have somewhere to express my own frustrations and people can read them and tell me what they think. I am much better at expressing my thoughts through written/typed wording than through actual verbal communication, so I like this idea better. I do want to say that I love music though. More specifically, I love "classical" music. Anyone who says that it ALL sounds the same has something wrong with him/her. If you can honestly tell me that Haydn's 46th symphony sounds JUST LIKE Shostakovich's 11th symphony, then you need a mental health check-up. That's just all there is to it. I have found throughout my years of CD collecting (going on 12 years or so now [my first CDs were the Mozart piano quartets and 3 Beethoven sonatas]) that there is so much variety in "art music" that there is no excuse to label all of it as being monotonous. If I were to tell you that I thought the Backstreet Boys and the Beatles sounded the same to me, I would have 20 different people telling me that I was nuts. Yet somehow classical music just gets the shaft from everyone else. Where multiple songs by the same band tend to have similar chord progressions and structure, composers in the classical genre sound different just between two works, even ones that are close to each other in time. I listen to Barber's piano concerto and compare it to his "Toccata Festiva", and it is just stunning. Try it sometime. Really. And if you want recommendations from my own private collection, I can certainly help out. I just introduced a friend to Benjamin Britten's "War Requiem" a few weeks ago. It's just what I do. And I'm always buying more. I am currently awaiting a recording of Brahms's 1st piano concerto and R. Strauss's "Burleske". Yay music!
So yeah, this is just how I am: opinionated. I always have something on my mind, but I usually keep it to myself in person, so maybe this is what I need to get my thoughts out of my head...I don't know... This ought to be fun, though, right?