Detached, really

So, I have been working this past semester to successfully learn and memorize the "Concerto for Organ & Orchestra" by Daniel Gawthrop, a composer whose music is quite lovely. Last Thursday night, I recorded the concerto as my audition for Dr. Cook to see if I could be allowed to audition for the School of Music concerto competition which is held every January. If I won the school's competition, I would be allowed to play this concerto with the BYU Philharmonic. On Thursday, two days ago, I met with Dr. Cook to discuss my recording, and he told me that he and Dr. Bush decided not to let it pass to the school's audition. I was...ok with that. Why? I have been asking myself that for the past three days now, and so far, I have no real idea. The reasons he gave me were that it was not as polished as it would need to be in order to win, and it is also not an overly well-written work. Fair enough. He seemed a little surprised that I was taking it not only well, but very well. Again, I don't even know why. I had all but sold my soul to Satan to be able to successfully memorize this piece.

For any and all that do not know, BYU's organ department does not require memorization as standard operating procedure for its students. Therefore, I have not had prior experience with making myself memorize a piece of music. This was a new thing for me, and on my first attempt, I was very successful with it. I now know this piece forward and backward, and I am very grateful for the opportunity to do this. I asked Dr. Cook to help me select a new concerto for next year's competition because I really would like to learn something that is a born (or written?) winner and something that I would enjoy playing. The organ concerto is not a very well-known genre. In fact, when I tell people of my interest in learning organ/orchestra pieces, they automatically say "Oh, like the Saint-Saens?". Sigh, no. That is not even close to a concerto. It's an orchestral work with an organ IN the orchestra, not set against it. Haha, it is SOOOO boring for the organist, even if it is a very powerful piece. Anyway, there are many new works that I have discovered over the past year or two that are beautiful, and I would like to someday make a quasi-career focusing on these pieces. I mean, it works for people like Jacqueline du Pre, Vladimir Ashkenazy, and Isaac Stern, so why not an organist? So, I have been looking.

Also, some are confused when the teacher says it is not well-written. Why let the student learn it, then? Well, it's because I was ADAMENT! I attended the premiere of this work, and I loved it. I still do. It isn't fantastic, but it is nice. So, Dr. Cook (bless his heart) knew better than to dissuade me from working on it. I really enjoyed it, and I still do. I knew after I recorded it that it was losing my favor, though. It's not that I didn't like it anymore, but I lost some interest in pursuing it further, at least until I heard back from Dr. Cook. That was sort of an indicator that maybe I shouldn't so actively and forcefully pursue it. Now, I am free to look into my solo works, like Franck!

I say all of this because it brings up an interesting point about my personality. I am not emotional. Very rarely do I become emotionally involved in any aspect of anyone's life. I don't cry, I don't yell, I don't fly into a rage. I sometimes don't laugh, or smile. Really, I am quite stoic when it comes to emotional expression. It concerns some people when I say that I haven't cried in almost 2 1/2 years. Is that bad? Some say so, but I don't know anything different, so I just don't cry. Oh well. So, when Dr. Cook gave me the news, I didn't react with any emotion, just calm acceptance. Was that the right way to react? Should I have been even a little upset? Is it bad that I am more frustrated by this than the actual concerto? I don't really know, but I found a long time ago that it is better for me to keep my emotions to myself. When I suffered a major breakdown over 2 1/2 years ago, I knew the only real way to protect myself was to file them away. Sometimes I think I did too good a job, as when I feel I need to cry, I cannot bring myself to do so. I think I prefer it that way. My personality type is ISTJ, and it says that I have a hard time expressing emotions, even if I am feeling them very strongly. It's true. I see it every day. And guess what. I'm really, REALLY O.K. with that.

So, next year, let's look at something else, like Dupre or Rheinberger and do it again! It'll be fun!