Blahdy blah blah

I don't know why I'm writing this.  I haven't posted a blog post in several years, and I'm not sure any of my friends whom I follow on Blogspot have either.  I guess I just needed to feel like I was talking to someone, but without people actually hearing it.  That way, I can feel like I got something off my chest, but no one will actually have to deal with what I say.

So, I have been struggling with my clinical depression/anxiety/OCD/what-not for almost a decade.  At least that's when I was properly diagnosed.  Some days are better than others, but at the end of the day, it's always there.  This past week, I was stupid and didn't pick up my anti-depressant refills when I needed to, and as a result went days without them.  In addition to actual depression symptoms, withdrawal from citalopram (Celexa, one of the medications I take) can be unpleasant.  The main problem I face when I accidentally withdraw is vertigo.  So I turn into a dizzy depressed person.  But the withdrawal isn't the main issue from this week.  I came to the re-realization that the depression is still there.  I sometimes wonder if I will ever be out of the woods with that.  That maybe some day I will be able to feel like a normal person without pharmaceuticals helping me get by.  To quote (probably incorrectly) Aragorn, "But it is not this day".

So why am I writing now?  I just have been feeling an even greater lack of self-worth lately.  I regularly tell people I am a terrible person, and on the surface it sounds like I'm referring to my sarcasm. Or maybe my inability to help people do things that require lifting more than 5 lbs. Ok, 8 lbs.  No, I genuinely do not feel that I am worth loving.  I actually do not understand what people see in me because I don't see it.  I know I'm not the only one who feels that way, but it's hard to talk about it to other people.  People will try and tell you that you matter; that you're a nice/good person.  But it doesn't ever change the fact that I don't believe that.  After all is said and done, I still think of myself as a shitty person who doesn't deserve other people's love and respect.  In talking with a friend/roommate, I know that love is unconditional and that it's not something we earn.  Rather, it is something that is just...love.  It doesn't have a rational merit-based system of measurement.  So maybe that's why I can't convince myself of it.  I feel like I need to earn it; I'm not just inherently lovable.  Because my depression has led me here.  Because I don't know the actual answer.  I guess I'm taking it on "blind" faith that people are genuine when they say they love me.  Usually I treat such things and compliments as just words.  Words can be thrown around without much weight behind them.  So it's easy for me to dismiss them.  And yet, when people have something critical to say of me, I grab onto it like it's the last bottle of Diet Dr Pepper in the store.  Like people's negative views of me are much more believable than kind words.  Scumbag brain is a dick.

So, I just needed a place to spew this all out.  I'm not giving up.  This isn't me resigning myself to hopelessness.  I just needed to see this in person so it's not just a swirl of incoherent ideas in my head but an actual thought process.  And this way I can pretend I talked to someone, but at the same time I can remain behind a screen of "No one reads this".  At least I hope not.  And if you are reading this, go do something more worthwhile like read The Perks of Being a Wallflower or listen to the Glagolitic Mass by Leos Janacek.  Cool stuff.